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Healthy Relationships Start at Home

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People are made for relationship – and healthy relationships start at home. We see it throughout our lives. At the moment of birth, a baby cries out for its mother, seeking the warmth and comfort of a mother’s hold. Young children desire friendship, inviting peers to engage in playground games. Our tweens and teens “hangout” at the pool and join sports teams for companionship. As college students, we register for clubs and organizations in order to build community with like-minded peers. As adults, we choose a spouse, someone to walk through life with intimately and logistically.

Healthy Relationships Start at Home

Our entire lives orbit around relationships. Friendships, working relationships, romantic relationships, social media… it all revolves around connection. As parents, we want our children to foster healthy relationships in each season of life. So how can we be intentional about preparing our children to seek and cultivate healthy relationships? Licensed Professional Counselor and parenting expert, Ally Bayard shares 3 key ideas for facilitating healthy relationships in every stage of life:

1. Prioritize Communication

Instruction without relationship lacks value. Think back to school- was there a teacher or coach you respected? Maybe one you even idolized? Think back to how you would hang on to every word of instruction or encouragement from that trusted adult. Our kids are wired the same way. If we want our children to absorb our words, there has to be a foundation of trust. This starts with prioritizing communication.

As parents, we have to be intentional about monitoring the communication our kids receive each day. Are they hearing from TikTok and Snapchat more than they’re hearing from us? More than they’re hearing from their family or their youth leader? What words are being spoken to them each day? Are they words of encouragement and affirmation, or words of correction and criticism?

As parents, we are the gatekeepers of our homes. One of my favorite resources to share with parents who feel conviction about having more control over the messages their children receive is our Screen Sanity course which equips parents to help their kids establish healthier relationships with screens. We can have so much influence over our children just by prioritizing the messages they receive each day, by the words we are speaking to them and over them, and also by limiting social media consumption.

2. Model Emotion Regulation

When we curate the messages our children receive each day, it’s then important that our actions match our words. How can we foster trust and safety in our relationships if we don’t model trust and safety ourselves? Research shows that consistency strengthens brain connections that lead to trust and secure attachments (Bales et. al. 2018). If we want our children to be slow to anger, we need to model what it looks like to be slow to anger. A few key ideas I share with parents during parenting consultations include:

•Responding instead of reacting

•Using choice and consequence language

•Loving the child, despising the behavior

•Apologizing when we mess up as adults

These four pillars allow parents to model and facilitate healthy relationship skills that can carry over from family systems into friendships and eventually into romantic relationships as well. Our children aren’t born knowing how to engage in healthy relationships. Our job as parents is to teach them.

3. Introduce Different Love Languages

Love languages are fluid and change over time as relationship dynamics and needs change. It is important for parents to understand how we give and receive love, so we can speak love to our children in a way that they understand. We often joke that it would be nice if children came out with a handbook, but the truth is, each child is fearfully and wonderfully made. As parents, our goal should be to parent each child to his or her needs and strengths.

The same way that teachers prioritize learning styles in school, we as parents need to prioritize understanding and speaking our children’s love languages. If I can show value to my child by speaking their unique love language, then they grow up feeling worthy of love. On the flip side, if a parent chooses to only show love in one way, and that is not the love language of the child, then what are we really saying? That this child doesn’t deserve to feel love? That love is only love on someone else’s terms?

Parenting can be overwhelming for many reasons. In all of my years as a counselor specializing in children and family work, the theme that seems to come up the most is fear of failing our children. Mom-guilt and dad-guilt are real and can be consuming. But if we get this piece right, raising our children to be resilient and to foster healthy relationships, the rest can simply fall in to place

Ally is the owner and founder of Refinery Counseling Center, a boutique counseling group in Baton Rouge, LA, with a heart for mental wellness. The clinicians at RCC specialize in all areas of mental health and relationship counseling, including play therapy for children, counseling for adolescents and adults, marriage counseling, and parenting consultations. Interested in working with Ally Bayard, LPC-S, CAS? Want to get to know the rest of the team? Contact Refinery Counseling here  for more information.

 

 

 

3 Tips to Help With Holiday Stress – Refinery Counseling Center

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The holidays are notoriously stressful. There are events to attend, kids out of school, parties to host, and financial stress as the cherry on top. Research shows that 88% of Americans feel increased stress during the holidays. Throw in a global health pandemic and crazy inflation rates and this holiday season is primed to be potentially the most stressful yet.

But what if it didn’t have to be?

Refinery Counseling Center is made up of a team of 6 mental health experts, and this holiday season we are bringing you three evidence-based tips to decrease stress and get the most joy out of your holiday experience.

3 Tips to Help With Holiday Stress

3 Tips to Help With Holiday Stress - Refinery Counseling Center

1. More Doesn’t Mean Better:

The holiday season is SO MUCH FUN. There are work parties, holiday programs at the kids’ schools, special events in the community, church proceedings, and more family gatherings than at any other time of year. As exciting and enticing as each event may seem, the most important thing you can do for yourself and your family is to set a limit and honor the limit.

The limit or identified boundary will be different for each family depending on a number of factors, including the size of the family, the typical schedule, whether or not kids are involved, etc. With young kids, it is often wise to limit special events to weekends and keep a normal routine during the week. For families with older children, you may find that you have more flexibility with later bedtimes, or even a special event or two during the week. As tempting as it may be to want to “do it all,” everyone involved will enjoy themselves more if they are rested, fed, and able to be fully present in whatever event has gotten your “yes.”

2. The Mind-Body Connection is Legit- For You and Your Kids:

Gingerbread men., sugar plums, holiday cocktails, oh my! So many of our holiday celebrations are synonymous with treats and alcohol. Holiday meals feature large servings and heavy pours. Work clients or family members may send cookie tins or boxed candies as holiday gifts. Many holiday traditions center themselves around shared meals and specialty cocktails. Or eggnog. Or spiked cider (you get the drift).

So much research is available about the link between our minds and our body. When we aren’t fueling our bodies well, we can’t expect our mind and our mental state to be well either. And that’s not to say that a special treat or beverage can’t be enjoyed during the holidays- certainly it can! But if the goal is mental wellness, then moderation is key. There are many ways to be proactive about caring for your mind and body during the holidays, such as going on a daily walk, tracking water intake, limiting sugar consumption, and implementing stretch or cardio intermittently. Small, intentional habits can yield powerful results.

3. Expectations Will Make or Break You:

Many people go into the holidays with the best of intentions. But even the self-imposed pressure can be overwhelming. Are the teachers going to like their gifts? Is the event planning complete? Is the meal going to impress the family? Was the donation large enough to the holiday charity? Will the gifts arrive in time? Will anyone be sick for the trip back home? Will grandma or grandpa be able to travel? Are the kids in enough holiday camps or activities? Did the company make enough to give end-of-year bonuses… the lists could go on and on.

Slow down. Remember the reason for the season. If a task or event seems overwhelming, practice a moment of gratitude to ground yourself and refocus. Ask for help and delegate. Communicating clear expectations to everyone involved in an event will help set the scene so that everyone can enjoy it to the fullest.

If you need help, assign responsibilities. If you need time, specify how much time you need to set aside prior to the task. If you need hands, recruit them early on. Bringing young kids? Pack snacks. Taking a few minutes on the front end to prepare for whatever is at the center of your stress will allow you to prepare and communicate your needs before reaching a stressor or breaking point.

In the end, all of the tips that will help you thrive during the holidays are going to be rooted in mindfulness. Remembering the reason for the season and practicing gratitude will help reduce stress and bring more enjoyment to the holiday season for you and your family.

When stress becomes chronic or overwhelming, you may be experiencing clinical mental health struggles. Refinery Counseling Center is a team of licensed professionals who specialize in mental health treatment for children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families. If you believe your anxiety or seasonal depression may be more than just stress, please don’t hesitate to reach out to learn more about mental health treatment options.

3 Tips to Help With Holiday Stress - Refinery Counseling Center

To learn more about mental wellness, visit our website, check out our blog, and download our free Holiday Survival Guide and Holiday Survival Guide for Kids!